I’ve been thinking about mindfulness all day. I think it started because lately I’ve been going and going and my head just hasn’t stopped and I fear I’m going to die from the adrenaline rush of the past few weeks and future few weeks. So today I’ve been trying to disconnect a bit from the world, and it’s gone pretty well. I talked with a friend in a coffee shop and I feel a lot better about myself and how I’m doing. It’s a beautiful day out, so I also took a walk. My fast-paced life hasn’t given me a lot of time for ME, which I find hard to swallow. Everyone thinks that being unemployed is sitting around in your pajamas and playing video games. Even if I wanted to play video games, I doubt I’d have time for them. I spend too much time chatting to people over instant message, browsing message boards, keeping up with people who are important to me, job hunting, and volunteering.

Reading 10 Ways Meditation is Green, Frugal, Healthy and Sustainable a few days ago was frustrating. I have heard before that meditation is a really good practice. I’ve heard tons of good things about it. So reading a blog post that had to justify why someone was meditating was jarring, to say the least. And has me noticing even more the fact that our culture does not value time off to be yourself. Job hunting has me feeling like I’m a square peg trying to fit myself into a round hole; either the jargon of a job posting throws me off, or the bizarrely long listing of responsibilities and qualifications. I feel like I’m supposed to fit like a cog in a machine, and I don’t know how to.

So while I’m struggling between trying to fit into the machine and trying to figure out how to be human, it’s a lot easier to throw away being human because the work world and job hunting tells me the only thing is important is doing the things in the job description and making money for that. There is no “wellness” or “mental health” in the work world. It’s just work. You produce value. You have no worth without that. You are not a living, breathing human.

Which I am having a very hard time accepting.

Hi, Sunbeam Soapbox. I’ve been super busy.